Innocence a Child
by kyrdwyn
Summary: Colonel? she asked instead, wondering how the heck John and his team went on a week long mission and ended up coming back with a baby who looked like her chief military advisor.


Title: Innocence a Child

Author: kyrdwyn

Author's URL: http/ Stargate Atlantis

Category: Gen

Rating: PG

Status: Complete

Main character(s): John Sheppard, Elizabeth Weir, Carson Beckett, Rodney McKay

Summary: "Colonel?" she asked instead, wondering how the heck John and his team went on a week long mission and ended up coming back with a baby who looked like her chief military advisor.

Warnings: Kidfic, as in there is a baby of one of the main characters in the story, but this is not, repeat not an mpreg fic; deathfic - but not one of the main characters

Betas: The ever wonderful Mierac, Reedfem, qwirky, rosewildeirish, and sweetsubbie.

Spoilers: Set within Season 2, with specific spoilers for Runner, Intruder, and Hot Zone from Season 1(character name).

Disclaimer: Everything/one you have seen on Stargate: Atlantis to people with a lot more lawyers than I. What hasn't appeared on Atlantis is mine! Song lyrics by Johnny Cash.

Author's notes: Not quite a happy ending, sorry!

* * *

Elizabeth stared down at the squirming baby in John's arms. The infant was pudgy, the way most babies were, and red-faced from expressing his displeasure at traveling through the Stargate. What really struck Elizabeth was the shock of black hair, sticking almost straight up, and the current expression on the baby's face - it looked so much like John's 'really, I'm innocent' expression that she had to bite her lip to keep from laughing.

"Colonel?" she asked instead, wondering how the heck John and his team went on a week long mission and ended up coming back with a baby who looked like her chief military advisor.

John sighed. "Long story. Very long story. But I think Carson should examine the baby, first."

Elizabeth nodded, falling into step with John as he walked from the jumper bay to the infirmary. "How unhappy is this story going to make me?" she inquired, watching as the baby's eyes took in the surroundings before going back to John. John smiled at the baby, who gurgled back at him.

"I'm not sure we'd want to send anyone back to Tryderia without making sure they know the price for trading knowledge. Whether or not we should send anyone back depends on how badly you think we need it. But that's part of the very long story," he added as they reached the infirmary. Carson was waiting for them, probably alerted by Sgt. Bates.

"Is this the wee lad then?" he asked, leaning over to take a look at the baby. The baby regarded him curiously, apparently curious about this new person with the unfamiliar accent. John nodded, looking down at the child.

"I'll need to take a look at him, Colonel," Carson said gently. John looked up, and something flashed in his eyes. Elizabeth could see that he was reluctant to turn the infant over to Carson, even though John himself had suggested the doctor look at him. Carson took the baby carefully, talking to the infant about getting him looked over and back in the Colonel's arms quickly as he moved over to one of the examining areas, a female nurse and another doctor joining him. John stayed where he was, but his eyes never left the baby.

"Does he have a name? Assuming it is a boy," Elizabeth added.

"He is, and he doesn't have one yet," John replied.

"Carson might take a while," Elizabeth hinted, really wanting to hear this 'very long story'. John merely nodded, still watching. Elizabeth sighed. "Should we have the post-mission debriefing here? Or wait until Carson's done?"

John shrugged. "Your call, but I can't just leave the baby here, Elizabeth." John finally looked at her, and Elizabeth could see the conflicting emotions in John's eyes. There was more going on here than she had originally thought, and it was apparent that she wasn't going to get the story from John until Carson was done examining the baby.

"What about the other members of your team?"

"They don't know the full story," John said quietly, just before the others walked into the infirmary. Teyla walked up to John, putting a hand on his arm.

"How is the child?"

"Dr. Beckett's examining him," John replied. Rodney and Ronon stood back, both looking ill at ease. Not surprising, since Elizabeth wasn't sure either man really had any paternal tendencies. Then again, she didn't know too much about Ronon's life before the Wraith turned him into a Runner. It was possible he'd had or planned on having children prior to being culled. Rodney was usually too caught up in himself to pay attention to anyone around him, and, from John's mission reports, he didn't get along well with children.

Before today, Elizabeth might have said that John wasn't someone she would have seen becoming so attached to an unknown infant, but she didn't know what had happened on Tryderia.

The baby gave a wail of displeasure, and Elizabeth could see John visibly holding himself back from marching over to the examining table and snatching him from Carson's hands. Fortunately, the cry stopped quickly, before John's control snapped.

Finally, Carson came over, the baby in his arms, wrapped back up in the gray blanket he'd been in when John had carried him out of the Jumper. He handed the baby to John, who took him carefully, acting like this wasn't the first time he'd held a child. He held out a finger for the baby to grab, and the little infant hand wrapped around it. Elizabeth smothered a grin, knowing that it John who was wrapped around the baby's finger.

"I think," she said, "I really need to hear that very long story, Colonel."

John shifted the baby in his arms. "Yeah, I think you do."

* * *

_John stood in the Tryderian temple, watching as the priestess Alieha used some odd device to implant the DNA she'd extracted from John into a womb-like structure. She removed the device and stood back. "Now we wait," she said softly. "It may not take."_

_"If it doesn't?" John asked, still watching the womb. It was contained inside a vat of some liquid. Alieha explained that these wombs held Tryderian genetic material, just waiting for external DNA to be introduced to start conception._

_"Then it does not, and we uphold our end of the bargain. We only agreed on enough material to create one child. We could not take more DNA unless we renegotiated, or you willingly donated." She also watched the womb, a hopeful look on her face._

_It seemed like hours to John before something happened, although it could just have been a few moments. The womb started to, well, glow; a pale luminescence that hadn't been there before. Alieha smiled broadly. "Conception has occurred," she said with quiet triumph. "In a few hours, we should be able to see the child."_

_John just stared at the womb, wondering how the Tryderians managed to create an artificial womb that provided a gestating child with everything it needed. Was there something in the liquid that acted like the mother's body, providing nutrients to the baby through the placenta and umbilical cord? Did the Tryderians have to replenish it? Was that liquid the reason why the baby would be born in less than a week, instead of the normal human nine months, and why the baby would continue to age after his birth, although it would slow down once he was out of the womb, so that by the end of his first week, he would appear to be a month old, and age naturally after that?_

_Rodney would ask Alieha these questions. John knew he should, also. But there was something stopping him as he looked at the womb._

_That was his child in there._

_"If you like," Alieha said, "you can stay in the temple until the child is born."_

_John dragged his eyes away from the womb. "My friends will worry about me," he said. Which was true. Of course, he was also worried about what staying and watching this child grow would do to him. He couldn't imagine not becoming attached to his child. Which would make leaving him or her here on Tryderia at the end of the week painful._

_Alieha nodded. "You are welcome to come and go as you please."_

_John thanked her absently and looked back at the womb. He had a suspicion he'd be in the temple as often as he could, despite his misgivings._

* * *

"So we exchanged your DNA for the food supplies and hydroponics from the Tryderians," Elizabeth said slowly. Granted, the Tryderian hydroponics would help ease the burden on the Daedalus supplies and the Athosian farmers on the mainland, but giving up John's DNA wasn't exactly what Elizabeth had expected when he and Teyla had told her the Tryderians wanted a 'personal item' in trade.

Rodney rolled his eyes. "Yes, Elizabeth, the Tryderians wanted a child from Atlantean DNA, well, technically Earth DNA, but since we weren't telling them we were from Earth," Rodney waved a hand in the air to fill in what he wasn't saying. "Anyway, the Tryderians somehow knew Teyla and Ronon were Athosian and Satedian respectively, so Colonel Sheppard and I were the only candidates for the job. Colonel Sheppard got the dubious honor of being the father of that child."

Elizabeth glanced over at where John was sitting, the child sleeping in his arms. "Could have been you, McKay," he said, not looking up from the baby. "After all, it was a 50-50 shot."

"Not once they realized you had green eyes," Rodney said with a snort. "They were all over that, since all Tryderians born in the last century have had blue eyes. Probably a result of a lowered genetic pool after a culling," he mused.

"What is going to be done with the child?" Teyla asked.

"If the Tryderians were so fascinated with the idea of a child with green eyes, why did they allow you to bring the child back to Atlantis?"

Much to Elizabeth's surprise, it was Ronon who answered her question. "The child cannot survive on Tryderia. Or that's what the priestess told us. She didn't tell us why."

Elizabeth looked at John, who was still looking down at his son. "Ronon's right. He can't survive on Tryderia, so they let me bring him home to see if he could survive here."

"Why can't he survive on Tryderia?" Bates asked. While Elizabeth didn't think an infant was a security threat, she'd had the sergeant sit in on the meeting just in case. John hadn't protested, which had surprised her.

John stroked the baby's hair. The infant made a soft snuffling sound, but didn't wake up. "He's allergic."

Rodney frowned. "How can you be allergic to a planet?"

"There's an element in the soil of the planet that permeates everything - the crops, the water, even some of the air. The baby is allergic to that element. The entire planet is pretty much poisonous to him. Leaving him there would be like taking you to a planet made entirely of citrus fruits," John said. "It's a death sentence." It could have been Elizabeth's imagination, but John's arms seemed to tighten around the baby, as if to protect him with John's own life.

"So they let you bring him here, to save his life," Elizabeth stated.

John nodded. "Their priestesses have theorized that this allergy is a result of the combination of their genes with those of certain humans and the process by which they facilitate conception and accelerate gestation. It happens in about 25 of the children they create. In those cases, they allow the genetic fathers to take the children to their home planets to try to save the child's life."

Elizabeth looked closely at John, a sinking feeling in her stomach. "How many of those children did survive once they'd returned to their father's worlds, John?" she asked quietly.

John finally looked up at her, his eyes clouded with terrible knowledge. "None," he said just as quietly.

The silence that fell after his statement was broken only by the baby's soft breathing. Elizabeth finally looked away from where John sat holding his dying son.

* * *

_The baby turned and seemed to stretch before managing to get its thumb into its mouth. John folded his arms on the edge of the gestation vat and rested his chin on them. The baby was probably in what would be the 5th month of a normal pregnancy on Earth from what John could recall of his biology classes. It was barely 36 hours since the conception here on Tryderia._

_John had reluctantly left the temple the night before to sleep in the house assigned to his team. He'd been back in the room after sunrise, just watching his child. His son, to be exact. A few hours ago, when the baby moved, he'd been able to see the genitalia._

_The hair growing on the baby's head was black, like his own. He'd asked Alieha about the maternal genetics, wondering what the baby would look like. She'd told him the mother had been dark haired as well, and fair skinned, but with the blue eyes that all Tryderians had._

_The baby moved again, kicking out a leg, and John smiled._

* * *

After John had told them about the baby's allergies, Carson wanted to run more tests on the baby. Elizabeth, Teyla, and Rodney kept John company during the tests, as he still was unhappy with letting the child out of his sight for too long.

Elizabeth watched John fold and re-fold the baby blanket while waiting. Abruptly he handed it to Rodney. "Take it. Test it for that chemical or whatever or burn it if you feel like it. He can't use it; it was made on Tryderia from Tryderian plants."

Rodney took the blanket, nodding. "Maybe if I can isolate the chemical, Carson can devise a treatment for the allergy."

Teyla came over. "If Dr. McKay will fly me to the mainland, I am sure Halling and the others would be willing to let us have some clothing and supplies for the baby. He will need a place to sleep, as well."

John looked at her gratefully, and opened his mouth to reply when Carson returned, the baby in his arms wrapped in a pale blue baby blanket. When he handed the baby over to John, Elizabeth saw the blue infant outfit the baby was now dressed in, complete with cap. She looked at Carson, one eyebrow quirked. John was looking at Carson curiously as well.

"When we packed for Atlantis we knew it was most likely going to be a one way trip - which meant we had to plan for the possibility of children. Part of the medical supplies included childcare items such as clothing, bottles, formula, even reusable diapers. No cribs, but I guess the SGC wasn't sure how to squeeze those into one of the supply containers." Carson looked at John. "Considering his allergy to Tryderia, I figured anything they sent with you for his care would only make the problem worse. We gave him a bath before putting the new outfit on, just to make sure nothing was lingering on his skin."

John smiled at Carson before looking back down at the baby, who was sucking on his thumb contentedly. "Thanks, Carson. I'd just thought about the supplies problem." He looked over at Teyla. "Would you mind asking Halling for a crib?"

The Athosian woman shook her head. "Of course not."

Carson smiled and handed a bottle of formula to John. "He's probably hungry. My nursing staff is making up a box of supplies for you; someone will bring it to your quarters later."

John took the bottle with another smile for Carson that shifted down to the baby. Elizabeth looked away from the unfiltered love for the child that shone from John's face, feeling like an intruder.

* * *

_It was impossible to keep from smiling as the baby moved in the artificial womb. Though the light was kept low in the chamber, because of the baby's sensitivity, John could still tell that he had the hiccups. He was unhappy about them, too, kicking the walls of the womb hard after every episode._

_"I hate them, too," he murmured. The baby stopped kicking, turning toward John. John smiled. "Hiya, kiddo. I'm your father."_

_The baby squirmed a bit, hiccupped, and kicked again. John chuckled._

* * *

"What gets me the most is how unfair this is."

Kate Heightmeyer looked up from the report she was reading. "What do you mean? What's unfair?" Kate was well used to Elizabeth changing topics without any sort of meaningful segue. It was common when Kate came to Elizabeth's office to give her general report on the mental health of the Atlantean residents.

"The fact that the Tryderians basically demanded that John give them a child and then when the child wasn't perfect, they sent it home with him to die. It's as if the baby didn't mean anything to them."

Kate tilted her head. "Do you really think that?"

Elizabeth sighed. "No, it had to mean something, or they wouldn't have tried to save him by sending him home with John." She sighed again. "What I really think is unfair is what this is doing to John."

"What is it doing to him?" Kate hadn't had the chance to speak with the colonel since he'd returned from Tryderia.

Elizabeth sighed again. "You know John still carries the burden of being the one who killed Colonel Sumner. I think he also feels responsible for every death on Atlantis, maybe the entire Pegasus Galaxy, since the Wraith awoke. He blames himself for the Genii situation. It hasn't been all that long since we lost Ford, and now he's been given a baby, his son, who is under a death sentence. He's already very attached to the baby, and I worry how it will affect him if the baby dies. Or when, if Carson can't figure out a way to save him."

"That may be why he hasn't named the baby, he could be trying to distance himself from the inevitable loss he sees coming," Kate mused.

"I don't think that's going to make any difference. He can barely let the baby out of his sight, much less his arms. I'm afraid we'll lose him, too," Elizabeth said quietly.

Kate sat up straighter. "There's nothing in the colonel's psychological profile to suggest suicidal tendencies."

Elizabeth shook her head. "No, but who knows what was done to John when they 'extracted' his DNA to create the baby? This attachment of his could be something other than father to son. We simply don't know enough about what happened on that planet. According to Rodney, John spent a lot of time in the temple. Something else could have happened to him."

"Has Dr. Beckett examined him?"

"Not yet. I'm about to make it an order, assuming we can get John to let someone else hold the baby."

"Elizabeth, what happens if John has been . . . compromised in some way by the Tryderians?" Kate asked, concerned.

"I don't know," Elizabeth said slowly. "I really don't know."

* * *

_The baby had been restless for a while, moving around in the womb, kicking his legs while waving his arms. John found himself humming quietly, like one of his neighbors had done with her children. The baby quieted down, seeming to listen to John's humming. John looked around, thinking he might sing, but not wanting an audience other than the baby. No one was around, so he continued his humming to figure out what song he had in his head. He'd not really thought about it, just picked a tune._

_He realized what the song was and shook his head. He was not singing that song to his son. Johnny Cash was The Man, but considering that 'Folsom Prison Blues' had what a friend called 'the most heartless line in country music', it wasn't appropriate for the unborn._

_Looking down at the baby, who was getting restless again, John started softly singing 'I Walk the Line'._

* * *

Elizabeth looked down at the baby in her arms. He regarded her with blue eyes that were slightly shaded with green. Every once in a while he moved and kicked, but he'd made no protest at being held by her when Carson took John off for an examination.

"You need a name," she said to the child. "We can't just call you Baby Boy Sheppard." That's how Carson had identified the baby on his medical forms.

Rodney came over from where he had been standing by the door, checking something on his datapad. "I've never heard the Colonel call him anything," he said. Rodney looked at her, a strange smile on his face. "I think Carson's been informally using the Gaelic word for 'shepherd' as a nickname for the baby."

"Somehow, I don't think John's going to go for that as his real name," she said.

Rodney shook his head. "I don't think so either." He looked up at her, his smile fading into a worried frown. Rodney's eyes were troubled as well. "Carson's been running tests daily. He says the baby's condition is deteriorating."

Elizabeth nodded, having gotten the same report from Carson earlier that morning. "He's not sure why, though."

Rodney reached out with a finger, allowing the baby to grab onto it. He'd gotten more comfortable around the baby the past few days, although he never volunteered to hold him. "It's going to kill him if the baby dies," he said. Elizabeth knew Rodney wasn't talking about Carson.

"I know," she replied. "But if Carson can't find a cure," she said, trailing off.

Rodney nodded. "Hypothetically speaking, would it be wrong to go back to Tryderia and do something evil, like salt their fields?"

Elizabeth looked at Rodney, startled. "That's rather extreme."

"I'm vindictive, I know." Rodney watched the baby yawn and stretch, before he snuggled closer to Elizabeth and closed his eyes. "But I don't think I'm the only one," he added pointedly.

"Probably not," Elizabeth conceded.

They sat for a few more moments, watching the baby sleep, until John and Carson came out of the exam room. John headed for Elizabeth, who turned over the baby to him without protest. Instead she went to talk to Carson as Rodney asked John if he'd named the baby yet. Getting a noncommittal response, Rodney asked if he could name the baby.

"He needs a name! A good name - like Albert, or Wolfgang, or maybe even Rodney, or --"

"Nathan."

Rodney blinked. Elizabeth and Carson turned to John, who was looking down at his son.

"His name is Nathan."

Carson reached for a pen and the baby's medical chart to write it down. "Does he have a middle name, Colonel?"

"James. Nathan James Sheppard."

Elizabeth smiled, walking over and peering at the newly named and still sleeping infant. "It's a fine name, John."

Rodney, showing more tact than Elizabeth usually gave him credit for, nodded as well. "It is a fine name."

John smiled at his son, but his smile was tinged with sadness.

* * *

_The birth was almost anti-climactic. A C-section to remove the baby from the artificial womb, and the priestesses were clearing his airways and cleaning him off. He expressed his displeasure at his new surroundings with loud screams. Screams that turned into something more like cries of pain as they washed him._

_"What's wrong?" John asked._

_Alieha and her fellow priestess surrounded the baby, murmuring to each other, concerned looks on their faces. John frowned. Something was definitely wrong._

_Another priestess came in with a vial of a dark liquid. She uncapped the vial and dipped a glass stick in it, which she then touched to the baby's foot. Within a minute, the baby's foot turned dark red and the area started to swell._

_Alieha came over to John. "We have to do some tests on the baby," she said._

_"What did you just do to him?" John asked._

_"A simple test to see if he was allergic to a chemical common to our people. We need to test for other things now. Please, Colonel Sheppard, wait outside the temple." With that, she followed the others deeper into the temple._

_John stood in the chamber, watching the corridor they'd disappeared down for a long time before going out to meet his team._

_"Colonel?" Rodney asked, looking up from his contemplation of one of the Tryderian hydroponics systems. He frowned at John. "What's going on?"_

_John shrugged. "Not sure. They're doing priestess-y things in there." He should probably tell them the baby had been born, but John knew Rodney was anxious to return to Atlantis. John didn't want to get into an argument over staying to find out what was going on with the baby when they all knew the baby would be staying on Tryderia anyway._

_Rodney continued to frown, so John changed the topic. "These things really going to make it easier to grow food in the city proper?"_

_Rodney turned back to the vats and began expounding on their merits and drawbacks. John listened with half his attention, the other half watching the temple, waiting._

* * *

Elizabeth walked into the mess hall to see a small crowd of people surrounding something in the corner. From the various murmurs, she gathered that John and Nathan were at the center of the crowd.

Filling her mug with coffee, she walked over to join the group. John was at the center, sitting at one of the tables and feeding Nathan. Elizabeth raised her eyebrows at the baby's outfit - a small blue shirt and khaki pants, much like the outfit of the scientists on the expedition. While she knew Carson's supplies had included some clothing, those outfits were solid color onesies, not something like this.

John set the bottle down and moved Nathan so he could burp him. John seemed extremely at ease in handling infants, and Elizabeth wondered where he'd gotten that kind of experience. His military file had no dependents listed, and John was an only child.

Nathan let out a prodigious belch, causing a chuckling among the personnel in the mess. The military contingent was looking especially amused at seeing their commander handle a baby as if it were an everyday occurrence.

Nathan curled his hand around the opening of John's jacket, gave a sigh, and fell asleep. John rubbed a hand up and down the baby's back, not looking at anyone. The crowd slowly dispersed as they headed back to their lunches or to their experiments and duty stations. Elizabeth sat down at the table, smiling at John.

"If you don't mind me asking, where did you learn to take care of babies so well?" she asked.

John looked up and gave her an almost shy smile. "When my father was stationed in England, our neighbors next door had triplets. I was thirteen when they were born, and Mrs. Evans would pay me to come over and help her out with them so she could run errands or take a nap or at least get the chance to sit down. It might not have been the easiest job I've ever had, but they were good kids. Mrs. Evans always said it would be good practice for when I had my own kids."

"She was right," Elizabeth said. "I doubt I would be half as good as you are with him, maternal instincts or not."

John grinned. "You do fine when holding him. You'll do fine with your own kids."

Elizabeth shrugged. "By the way, where did he get that outfit?"

That elicited a chuckle from John. "Dr. Biro's hobby is sewing, apparently. She had Carson bring her back a sewing machine when we went to Earth last time. She made Nathan the outfit, saying that he needed a proper expedition uniform."

Elizabeth quirked an eyebrow as she tried to imagine the cheerfully morbid pathologist sewing baby clothes. She couldn't quite picture it. "But why the science colors?"

"She said that since all babies are naturally scientists, being so curious about everything around them, Nathan needed to be part of the science team." John shifted in his chair, moving Nathan to a spot more comfortable for John. "I'd rather see him in science colors than military colors, or camouflage. Although I wouldn't object to him having his own set of dress blues," he added with a smirk.

Elizabeth smiled. "We'll have to see what we can do about that."

John smiled back, turning to place a light kiss on the sleeping baby's head. "We should be heading to the infirmary for our daily appointment. I swear Carson doesn't think I can take care of my own son," John said lightly, but the smile didn't reach his eyes.

"He's probably just like the rest of us, besotted with a cute baby," Elizabeth replied with the same false cheer. "I'm sure you'll have no shortage of baby sitters when you need one," she added.

John smiled. "Rodney's already dropping hints about that. I think he just wants to take Nathan down to his lab and see if he has the gene."

Elizabeth blinked. "I hadn't even thought of that." There was a good chance John's son would have the ATA gene, and the thought of a teething baby being able to mess with Atlantis' systems was, well, frightening.

John shrugged with his free shoulder. "I'm thinking Carson or someone on his staff would be a better choice. Medical training and all that."

Elizabeth nodded. "Well, you'll do what you feel is best," she said. "Although at least let me know so that I don't try to take your babysitter away for something else short of an emergency?" She wasn't going to tell John who he had to pick to take care of his son, but knowing who had Nathan if the baby wasn't with John would be helpful in case of an emergency.

John put the cap on the baby bottle and stuck it in the pocket of his jacket as he got up. Nathan moved, but didn't wake up. "I'll let you know. We'd better get to the infirmary before Carson sends out a search party."

Elizabeth watch John leave the room, desperately hoping that Carson would find out what was wrong with Nathan and be able to cure him.

* * *

_John, Ronon, and Teyla were loading the 'jumper under Rodney's garrulous supervision when Alieha appeared, carrying the baby. "Colonel Sheppard," she said quietly. "Would you like to hold him?"_

_Rodney and the others had gone silent, looking at John and then the baby. John hadn't told them the baby had been born already. He was sure he'd probably left out a lot of details, but then again, the time he'd spent in the temple had been extremely personal. How did you tell your friends about getting to watch your child growing in the womb, about getting to speak to the baby and see him respond to your voice?_

_John looked at the baby, who was red faced and making what sounded like angry whimpers. He was unsure about holding him. He was going back to Atlantis with his team, while the baby would stay here with the Tryderians. That was the bargain, after all. John wasn't sure he'd be able to let his son go if he actually got the chance to hold him. Still, part of him ached to feel the child in his arms after watching him grown and being unable to touch him for the past several days. Before he realized he was doing so, he found himself reaching out to take the baby from Alieha, cradling him carefully. The baby opened his eyes, looking up at John, though John wasn't sure the baby actually saw him. John held out a finger and the baby grabbed it with surprising strength._

_Looking down at his son, John wondered if Caldwell still wanted the Atlantean military post. It just might come open soon._

* * *

Elizabeth watched Carson as he paced her office. "I've run every test I can think of, and several that wouldn't have been possible if we weren't here on Atlantis. I can't find any actual physical cause for little Nathan's condition." He sighed. "If I had to venture an opinion, I'd say that Colonel Sheppard's Earth DNA reacted negatively with the artificial conception and accelerated gestation methods of the Tryderians. Humans weren't meant to have babies in a week. I doubt even the Ancients managed to speed up the process."

Elizabeth folded her hands on her desk, staring at them. "What's your prognosis, Carson?"

Carson sat down on the couch, his elbows on his knees, hands clasped in front of his face. "Two weeks, maybe less, before his body goes into complete systemic failure, ultimately leading to death."

Elizabeth closed her eyes. Nathan had been on Atlantis for a week. He already had most of the population charmed. This was going to be a blow to everyone. Carson had been running himself ragged trying to find a way to save Nathan's life. He was one of the few people John trusted with Nathan, and Carson seemed to have developed an affection for the baby that went beyond Nathan being a patient. Even now his eyes were haunted with the knowledge that he might not be able to save Nathan.

Elizabeth hadn't spent as much time with Nathan as Carson had, but she couldn't imagine not being able to hold him again.

"Does John know?" she asked, opening her eyes to look at Carson, who shook his head.

"He never asks about the test results. I think he already knows that Nathan's dying, he just doesn't want to know when." Carson looked out of the glass windows toward the control room. "I can't say I blame him."

Elizabeth nodded. "Maybe it's best if we wait for him to ask." She moved some papers around on her desk. "I read your report on your examination of Colonel Sheppard. It doesn't appear as if the Tryderians compromised him."

Carson stood. "No, although that's just a physical examination. He's very reticent about what happened when he was in the temple. Although," he said in a voice that Elizabeth recognized as Carson working something out, "if Nathan's artificial womb was in the temple, it's possible John was able to watch, in some way, the baby's development. It could create a bond more intense than most father/child bonds." He looked at her. "You may want to have Kate examine him."

Elizabeth nodded. "She's already trying to get John to open up about what happened. She's not having a lot of success so far."

Carson shrugged. "It's probably very personal for him. He hasn't told Rodney or Teyla, either, and I think they're the two people he's closest to on Atlantis, other than yourself. If he hasn't told them, he may not be ready to tell anyone."

Elizabeth nodded, movement in the control room catching her eye. Dr. Zelenka was trying to get her attention. She stood, looking at Carson. "Keep me informed on Nathan's condition, please, Carson."

He nodded. "I will."

* * *

_Alieha led John away from the jumper, toward the temple. "My fellow priestesses have told me of seeing you bond with the child in the womb. One told me you were singing to him," she added with a smile._

_John blushed, giving her a guilty look. "It just seemed like the right thing to do," he said lamely._

_Alieha smiled. "Do not be embarrassed. We like to see bonding with the children." She stopped and turned to face John. "In this instance, the fact that you have bonded with the child is crucial."_

_John frowned, automatically adjusting the baby in his arms. "What's wrong?"_

_Alieha looked away, toward the temple. "The baby cannot stay on Tryderia, Colonel Sheppard."_

_"I thought that was the deal," John said, even as his heart leapt with hope that they would let him take the baby back to Atlantis._

_"Unfortunately, Colonel, the baby was born with a condition that makes it impossible to live here. He is allergic to an element in our soil known as tyralianac. Tyralianac is present in almost everything on Tryderia - soil, water, our crops, the clothing we wear. The clothing he wears," she said, gesturing toward the baby in John's arms. "If he stays here on Tryderia, he'll die in a few days. If he goes with you, he has a chance."_

_John looked at Alieha, who was still looking away. "How much of a chance?"_

_"More than he has here," Alieha replied._

_John shifted the baby to his shoulder, supporting the head and neck with a carefully gentle hand. "How much of a chance?" he asked again, hearing the harshness in his voice._

_Alieha turned to face him finally. "All of the children born with this allergy since I became a priestess lived past their first week if they were taken off planet within 24 hours of their birth."_

_John regarded Alieha steadily. There was something she wasn't telling him, he knew, and that statement could be interpreted in many different ways. "How many of them made it a full year?" he asked her._

_Alieha looked down again. "None," she said quietly before raising her eyes to John. "But you said you had lived in the city of the ancestors - surely you have means at your disposal that could save this child!"_

_John turned his head to the tiny one resting on his shoulder and the delicate hand fisted in the folds of his jacket. The baby was asleep, content in his arms._

_John turned back to Alieha. "I need to know everything - why you think this allergy occurs, how often it does occur in these children, and anything else remotely relevant to the baby's health before I can take him home with me."_

_As Alieha nodded, gratitude shining in her eyes, John wondered how he was going to explain this to Weir. Then again, he thought, looking at the baby, whatever he told her wouldn't matter, because this was his child. He would not leave him to die on another planet._

* * *

The soft sound of someone singing stalled Elizabeth's hand as she was about to knock on John's door. Carson had mentioned to her that the colonel had looked rather . . . grim after he'd left the infirmary earlier. Carson's latest treatment hadn't been as successful as he'd hoped for Nathan. The baby's condition had stabilized for two days, and then resumed the same rate of decay. Elizabeth was grateful it hadn't started to accelerate.

Leaning closer to the door, Elizabeth chastised herself even as she listened to John singing to Nathan.

_As sure as night is dark and day is light  
__I keep you on my mind both day and night  
__And happiness I've known proves that it's right  
__Because you're mine  
__I walk the line _

John's voice was rough, with a hitch in it, almost as if his throat were closing up.

Turning away from the door, Elizabeth didn't bother to wipe away the tears falling from her eyes.

* * *

_Alieha had gone back to the temple to arrange for baby supplies to be brought to the jumper. John sat down on a bench near the temple and cradled his son in his arms. The baby yawned, and John found himself wanting to act like Rodney and start raging against the stupidity of those who thought to mess with nature without understanding everything about it._

_Instead he leaned down and kissed the baby's forehead; silently promising to do everything he could to make sure the baby had a fair chance at life._

* * *

John walked into the conference room for the staff meeting without Nathan, and Elizabeth frowned. This was the first time she'd seen John without Nathan since the baby's condition had started to deteriorate.

"He's with Dr. Biro in the infirmary. He's not exactly feeling great, so I didn't want to bring him to the meeting," John said as he sat down. "He's been really fussy. Probably try to out scream Rodney." John was putting on a front, although Elizabeth knew him well enough to tell that he did not want to be in the meeting.

Elizabeth smiled as she sat down to wait for the others to arrive. "I'm not sure who I would bet on winning that contest."

John tilted his head. "Rodney's got the experience, but Nathan's got the lung capacity of a Marine drill sergeant. I think it would be a draw."

Elizabeth chuckled. John smiled. "Thank goodness the living quarters are relatively soundproofed. Last night Nathan did not want to go to sleep."

Elizabeth smiled as she looked away, remembering her eavesdropping on John singing to Nathan. "If he kept you up all night, I'm sure Major Lorne could fill in for you," she offered, even as John shook his head.

"No, I'm fine. I got a few hours sleep. I'll get more after the briefing, since Carson wants to examine Nathan again." John's voice wavered on the last sentence.

Elizabeth searched John's face before nodding. "Very well," she said. "Assuming the others ever get here," she said dryly just as Rodney walked in, Teyla and Carson a few seconds behind him.

"What, I'm not that late," Rodney said, setting his coffee mug down on the table.

Elizabeth and John shared an amused glance before starting the meeting, since they always told Rodney an earlier meeting time than everyone else to ensure he wasn't late.

* * *

_John, the baby in his arms, walked up to the Jumper with Alieha. The others looked at them quizzically, unsure of what was happening._

_"The child cannot stay on Tryderia. Colonel Sheppard has agreed to take the child back with him," Alieha stated._

_Rodney looked from the baby to John. "Colonel, are you sure this --"_

_John cut him off. "I'm sure, McKay." He stared at the others. "I'm sure."_

_Rodney opened his mouth like he was going to say more, and then closed it, shrugging. "It's your head," he finally said, walking into the jumper. Teyla gave him a searching look before following Rodney. Ronon walked up the ramp, then came back and took the bag of baby supplies from Alieha. "I'll secure this in the ship," he said._

_John turned to Alieha, who bowed. "May you and the child thrive, Colonel," she said formally, before turning to walk back up the hill to the temple._

_John walked into the jumper. Rodney, Ronon, and Teyla were in their usual seats, leaving the pilot's chair open for John. He looked at the chair. He'd have to let one of the others hold the baby in order to fly the jumper._

_He glanced at Rodney. "Feel like taking the stick, Rodney?" he asked lightly. Rodney looked semi-terrified for a moment before practically catapulting into the pilot's seat. Teyla vacated her chair more gracefully to take Rodney's usual spot behind the pilot, leaving her seat open for John. John smiled at her as he sat down. "Dial her up, Rodney," he said, adjusting the baby in his arms._

_"Is, ah, he going to be okay with gate travel?" Rodney asked as he got the ship into the air._

_"We'll find out," John said. Rodney dialed the gate, and John pulled the baby in tighter. He hadn't liked his first trip through the gate; he doubted his son would either._

* * *

Ronon appearing at her office door startled the hell out of Elizabeth. The former runner rarely visited the control room unless he was with his team. He'd never visited her office on his own.

"Ronan, what can I do for you?" she asked, sitting up straighter in her chair.

"The doctor says Sheppard's baby probably won't live."

Elizabeth nodded.

Ronon leaned against the door frame, his arms crossed over his chest. "What if it does?"

"I don't understand what you're asking," she replied.

"What if the baby does live? Will your people on Earth insist it be taken for study?"

Elizabeth sat back, shocked. "No!"

Ronon studied the screen on the wall showing the Atlantis map. "It's not exactly a normal child."

"Nathan is Colonel Sheppard's son. He is the only person who can make any decision as to where Nathan lives," she said firmly.

Ronon looked at her. "Your Colonel Caldwell doesn't seem like the type of man who will honor the bond between a father and son. And he outranks Sheppard, doesn't he?"

"I determine who stays on Atlantis and who doesn't, Ronon," Elizabeth said pointedly.

Ronon looked at her steadily. "If you say so," he said before he left.

* * *

John put Nathan into his crib and placed a hand on the baby's forehead. He was warm, but nothing to be concerned about. Carson had told him what to watch out for with Nathan's condition, but John had seen no signs of the baby deteriorating today.

Nathan yawned and blinked up at him with green eyes. John moved his hand to tickle under his chin, getting a baby smile that dissolved into another yawn before Nathan's eyes closed and he fell asleep.

John looked down at Nathan, wishing there were some way he could trade his life for his son's. A sleeveless wish, he knew, but still.

John couldn't help but wonder if his own father had ever felt this way about him. He hoped so, even if the old man had never showed it. If not, John felt sorry for his father.

* * *

Carson looked up from his microscope and shook his head. "As much as I hate to admit it, I don't think there's anything else I'm going to be able to do, Elizabeth. Every treatment I've devised has only held off the deterioration for a few days at best. Quiet frankly, I'm worried that anything else I try might only hasten his death."

Elizabeth nodded. "So you think that we should just let nature take its course?"

Carson sighed. "It's up to Colonel Sheppard. If he wants me to keep trying, I will, up to the very end."

Elizabeth nodded. "I don't know if Colonel Sheppard will remember to say this, but thank you, Carson, for all that you're doing for Nathan."

Carson smiled sadly. "It's nothing," he said, and she knew his words didn't just refer to the efforts he went to, but also the results.

* * *

John took Nathan out to one of the balconies, where they could see most of Atlantis and the ocean beyond the city's towers. Staying back from the edge, he held Nathan up against his shoulder, facing the infant out so he could see the city. "It's not Earth," John said. "But it's home, and that's what counts. I think it's more home than Earth ever was. Especially with you here," he said. Nathan wiggled and whimpered. "Yeah, I know," John said, moving over to a bench and sitting down. "You're hungry. Maybe I should have named you after McKay."

He pulled Nathan's bottle from his jacket pocket and arranged the baby to be able to feed him. Nathan moved his arms as he ate, looking up at John. John smiled down at him.

Carson had told him that he wasn't sure if there was anything else he could do for Nathan, but he was willing to keep trying. John had thanked the doctor for everything he'd done, but hadn't asked him to continue. He knew that there really wasn't anything else Carson could do. Nathan had already survived longer than John had anticipated.

Shifting Nathan, John leaned down to kiss his forehead. John knew Carson was perplexed that John never asked about the test results or prognosis. John didn't want to measure his son's life in a countdown. He viewed that as being too fatalistic. He wasn't, as he'd overheard Rodney saying to Carson, in denial about Nathan's condition. He just felt that putting the baby in an infirmary crib and waiting for him to die was unhealthy, for both of them.

Besides, given John's age and his current, unlikely-to-change bachelor status, Nathan was probably the only child he would ever have. He planned to enjoy every minute they had left.

* * *

Carson had said it wouldn't be long after he stopped his last treatment before Nathan's body shut down. Elizabeth kept an eye on John, who was still carrying Nathan around Atlantis, acting as if there was nothing wrong. Unless you knew John well. Then you saw the signs that his heart was breaking - the way his smile dimmed when it reached his eyes, the way he held Nathan close to him at all times, the way he stared into the distance when he thought no one was watching him.

It was heartbreaking for his friends to watch, and know that all they could do was wait.

* * *

John lay on his bed in his quarters, shirtless and barefoot. Nathan, dressed in only his diaper, lay on his chest. The baby's breathing was intermittent, and he wasn't moving. John knew this was the end, but he couldn't bring himself to take Nathan to the infirmary or even reach for his radio to call down to Beckett. Instead he rubbed Nathan's back, murmuring softly, letting Nathan know he wasn't alone, that he was loved. That he would always be loved.

Nathan inhaled and exhaled, but didn't inhale again. John lay there, still rubbing Nathan's back.

After a while, John let his tears fall.

* * *

Teyla had brought an urn from her people for Nathan's ashes. Elizabeth didn't know if John intended to take them back to Earth or scatter them over Atlantis' waters as she had done with the older version of herself, but she didn't ask.

At least John wasn't closing himself off from his friends and colleagues, as she had feared. The sadness never seemed to leave his eyes, and Elizabeth wasn't sure it ever really would. Still, he went about his work, accepting condolences and offers of help if he needed it. He had returned the crib to the mainland himself, and the unused supplies to the infirmary. Except for the clothing Dr. Biro had made for Nathan. Elizabeth presumed John had kept those, although she had no proof.

His returning of the baby items was more out of practicality than a need to deny Nathan's existence, at least. Carson had stopped by John's quarters on a pretense one night and later told Elizabeth that the pictures of John and Nathan that Rodney had taken were on John's desk, with one of Nathan alone at John's bedside. Not a lot of pictures, but enough that Carson and Kate were somewhat reassured about John's mental state.

Elizabeth had her own hands full with the return of the_Daedalus_and Colonel Caldwell's reaction to the events of the past few weeks. The man seemed furious that she hadn't informed Stargate Command. In her own mind, Elizabeth privately acknowledged that perhaps she should have told them of Nathan's existence and how it came about as soon as she'd been told. Publicly, however, she told the colonel that she had decided what was best for Atlantis and her people, and that meant letting Nathan stay on Atlantis for his short life, not dying in the infirmary at Cheyenne Mountain or Area 51. She knew the Caldwell would probably raise hell with the Air Force over John's actions, but she was prepared to go to bat for him again if need be. She knew Rodney and Carson had already been questioned by Caldwell, and had stood up for John.

John himself seemed to be hiding behind military formality around the colonel. As a defense mechanism, it appeared to be working. The one time Caldwell had tried to interrogate John, that Elizabeth knew of, John's impersonal demeanor and noncommittal answers had thrown Caldwell off. Elizabeth didn't think he'd tried again.

Teyla and Ronon had gone back to Tryderia to inform them of Nathan's death. The priestesses had been sympathetic, Teyla had reported, but unsurprised.

Walking down the hallways of Atlantis, Elizabeth noticed John sitting out on one of the balconies. She debated on whether or not to join him, but decided she could use the fresh air anyway. She wouldn't force him to talk, but hoped that the presence of a friend would remind John that there were people on Atlantis who cared about him.

John didn't look up from the object in his hands when she sat down next to him. She recognized it as the baby blanket Nathan had been given in Tryderia. She hadn't known what Rodney had done with it.

"I saw him before he was born," John said softly. "I watched him grow in that artificial womb, going from a mass of cells to a full grown infant. I sang to him before he was born."

Elizabeth reached out and placed a gentle hand on John's shoulder. John's early and intense attachment to Nathan suddenly made far more sense. Most fathers never saw their children in the womb except as grainy black and white ultrasound images.

John got up and moved to the edge of the balcony. The wind was blowing and he held up the blanket, letting it billow out. He let go of the blanket and it soared over the city on the wind, tumbling and turning until it was beyond the farthest pier. Getting up, Elizabeth moved to John's side, watching as the blanket floated down to the water when the wind died down.

"I loved him," John said.

"I know," Elizabeth replied. "You'll always love him."

John nodded. "I think," he said slowly, "I'll need a few more days before I'm ready to head out on missions again."

"As much time as you need, John." She put her hand on his shoulder again. "And I'm always available if you want to talk."

John didn't say anything else, but he didn't move away from Elizabeth's hand. They stood there for a long time, not speaking, until the Atlantean sun set and the crackle of their radios recalled them back to Atlantis, and the living who dwelled within her walls.


End file.
